When you best isn't good enough

It's Thanksgiving weekend, so I realize I should be writing a post about all the many things for which I am thankful. 

I know that.  And, I am thankful for all that I have been given, though I am not nearly thankful enough, nor do I have any grasp about how little I did to "get" the good things I have, nor how little control (as in, zero) I have about whether or not I will have those things tomorrow. 

But right now I don't feel all overflowing with thankfulness, so to say I did in this post would be a lie.  Right now I just feel sad.

And it makes me think about all the other people around the world who might feel sad right now as well. 

There are many of us sojourners out there, feeling sad on a weekend where we are supposed to feel happy. 

So, I am writing this as a "shout out" to my fellow sad people today. If you see any of us along the way, looking glum and grumpy, maybe give us a smile. 

I'm sad.  And I'm tired.  And I have diarrhea and a cranky stomach, again, for at least the fourth time this school term (I've lost count).  Yes, we are buying a water filter as soon as the school term ends today.  No, I am not convinced that the lab tests, which keep coming back negative for anything bad being in our water, are accurate.  Why am I sad?  Let me count the ways.


1. Tim and I have managed to hurt each other's feelings a lot lately, over pretty petty stuff. Sad. 

2. I have diarrhea and a super sore stomach.  Again.  And so does one of my children, who doesn't probably want their name mentioned on the internet when speaking of diarrhea.  Sad.

3. I miss being with my family on Thanksgiving and I am super irritated about the fact that, once again, I could not be with them, even though my parents are getting really, really old and I never know when any Thanksgiving might be the "last" Thanksgiving with them.  Yes, following Jesus where He called us is totally worth the cost of missing family, but when I could do both follow Jesus AND see my family, but then can't b/c of rather inane reasons (in my opinion), it makes me feel very sad and also very out of control, and I don't like either of those feelings.  Sad sad. 

4.  My daughter in America missed her flight to the ranch for Thanksgiving and so had to spend Thanksgiving alone in her dorm, and there was nothing this mama could do about it to help fix it. (But at least we did get a full refund on the cost of the flight.)  Moms like to fix things, and it is extremely saddening for us when we can't.  Sad, sad, sad, sad!

5.  Even though so many people I love are way more poor than me,  to whit, if compared to them, I would seem as rich as Bill Gates........I am still not used to being "poor" by the American definition of "poor", and I am tired of not being able to be spontaneous and "fun" and just go out to dinner if I want to, or to buy a new shirt if I need it or want it. 

6.  I feel pretty much spent and used up right now, but have 200 essays to grade and 65 memorized, written down soliloquies to grade, and final term grades to enter, by 5 days from now.  But before that, I need to cook a turkey and fixins for a late Thanksgiving meal at our house tonight after school ends in 1 1/2 hours, and then tomorrow, I need to pack up our house and move one mile away to the new house where we will live for 3 whole weeks.  Then, on December 27, I get to pack and move again to yet another house, where we will live for six months.  

Did I mention that I don't like packing and moving?  

And did I mention that I forgot to get cranberries last time I was in Nairobi (I don't actually know if they have cranberries), so we won't be having cranberry sauce for our Thanksgiving dinner? And, did I mention that to me, real cranberry sauce = Thanksgiving, and that the fact that we don't have them makes me want to not cook Thanksgiving dinner at all?  Yes, I am a super rational person right now. So glad you noticed.

7.  Lastly, I am sad that, partly due to all the moving we have to do over this much needed school break, and partly due to the aforementioned "poor" (but not really poor at all) status in which we live, and partly due to the unlucky fact that Tim's work permit finally arrived, just in time for MY work break to arrive (so now he will be working while I am off duty), we cannot afford to take a vacation during this holiday at all.  I am happy for all the people who get to spend a few days at Lake Naivasha or Lake Nukuru or even the lucky dogs who get to go to the beach over this break, but I am also having a major pity party for myself, that we can't.

So, yeah, I am sad this Thanksiving weekend.  I guess I need a major attitude adjustment. Prayers for my heart would be a great thing. Only God can turn around an attitude this bad.