When I'm hurting like now.....

I've been on a roller coaster ride of emotions of late.  And I don't mean a fun roller coaster ride, one I voluntarily boarded.  I mean a terrifying roller-coaster ride, like the one I unwillingly rode after my "dear" big brothers physically PUT ME ON the huge, new ride in Houston's former theme park, Astroworld, back in the 1970s, "because if I would just try it, I'd like it". (I don't want to admit it, but they were right.  After screaming through the entire first ride, I voluntarily jumped on about 5 more times that day, and enjoyed every terrifying second.)

Why all the emotions?

1.  Rwanda beckons, America clings. I miss our African home, yet do not want to leave my American one.  Watching my mom serve perhaps her 55th or so Thanksgiving meal this holiday, with much of my original family all around, I wondered how many more Thanksgivings we would have around that long, oak table - or if I'd enjoy any more there at all.  Looking at my sister and brothers and wondering how long until I'll see them again, and wishing we could be together more.  Wishing I was closer to some, wishing I could express my love for them better, wishing I could just have more play time with some. (Do I sound like a really spoiled almost 50 year old?  I know everyone's lives are hectic....I guess I'm just writing this because I'm hoping someone else says, "I can relate to how you're feeling!"  Certainly I'm not the only one?? I hope not.)

I don't have the pictures from this year's Thanksgiving, so here is one from times gone by. Many things have changed since this photo, but the cousins' love for one another (and this photo is missing many cousins) and for PIE, have not changed at all.

These two truths keeps helping me stay somewhat grounded, when I remember to reflect on them.   And this morning, my sister, Ann, who prays a lot for me and who is a great listener, sent me some songs which lifted my spirit and reminded me of these truths.  (Thanks, Ann.)

TRUTH #1: THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME.  (So I don't have to fiercely cling to it like my very life depends on it.)  This world is only an echo, a shadow, of my true home, where I'm headed - my home with Jesus.  That thought comes from Hebrews 13, among other places in God's Word.  Here are some especially helpful verses for my feeling-lost heart, and maybe for yours.  (I'm using the New Living Translation.) 

¹⁴ "For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.
¹⁵ Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name.  
¹⁶ And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God.   
20-21 Now may the God of peace equip you with all you need
    for doing his will.  May he produce in you,
    through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him.
    All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

TRUTH #2: JESUS PROMISED:  "I will never leave you."  ~ Hebrews 13:5 

Just like we reassure our preschool aged children, when we go to the grocery store, or wherever, that we will never (permanently) leave them, that we will be back.....so also Jesus promises US, "I will never leave you" (not even to go to the grocery store).  What a great promise.  Why do I forget?  My mind doesn't forget, but my heart does sometimes.  I feel all alone, bereft and scared.  Until I remember His promise.  Thank you, Jesus.


Some other things that can send my heart in a tailspin, and have recently done so:

2. Kids coming home and leaving again.  Missing them so much it hurts.  The nest feels at least partly full, and that old comfort of having a full house is there....just long enough for it to hurt all over again, like a scab ripped off by a grown over bandaid that had to get pulled - and fast.

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

3. Living sort of out of boxes and trying to figure out who and what goes in each room each time a new person comes home or leaves again - which feels super often.

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

4. Losing the illusion of control that all our temporary living situations take from me.

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

5. Our beloved pastor, Bob Allen, announcing his upcoming move to a new job within our denomination.  Bob was hugely instrumental in our accepting God's call to move our family to Rwanda.  He strengthened our faith and his strength gave us strength.  While we know God has a purpose for it, and should be glad for him and for Irene, his wife and our good friend, we are struggling with this.  Knowing he is leaving our church feels very much like a kick in the solar plexus.  One more wind of change to add to the gale forces in our lives. 

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

6. Catching a bad cold, and missing a lot of the family Thanksgiving celebration - and then passing that cold on to our college kids, who need to be healthy with finals approaching.

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

7. Needing to pay bills, with finances God hasn't provided yet.

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

8. Coming face to face - again - with my inadequacies, specifically in the house-management realm, and with anything organizationally challenging, including explaining what is needed in our mission to others.  Feeling pretty much like a failure, if I'm being totally honest.  

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

9. Deste LOVES his teachers, his school, America, Texas, his new family (us!), The Ranch (grandparents' house), Kerrville and learning English.  How is this a discouraging thing?  Well, after almost a whole semester of convincing him daily to go to school, and helping him get used to the USA, now that we will be leaving in a month and a half, he has finally adjusted so well!  He adores his teacher, has so many friends, knows his way around, and is learning leaps and bounds each day.  When I try to prepare his heart for our upcoming move back to Rwanda, he simply says, "That's okay if we go.  I will come back Monday and go to school."  He doesn't understand we are leaving permanently.  He misses many loved ones in Rwanda (especially his Aunt Jeanne and Pacifique), but he also now loves many things and people here.  He feels safe and secure....and I shudder to think that we are about to change his little world again.

At his school's Thanksgiving Program and Feast.  Deste and his classmates recited

 a beautiful poem about Thanksgiving.  He did great!  The smiling lady in brown is his wonderful teacher, Mrs. Robertson.  We love her!

The only picture I have of Deste in his Pilgrim Costume.  It was adorable!

Deste and his classmates at "his" table.  These are the kids he is with the most throughout the day.  All are good friends!

Deste and his "best friend after Sam" (his brother), John Allen.  So sweet!

My Little Indian.  <3  So Proud! 

"For this world is not our permanent home; 

we are looking forward to a home yet to come."

Hebrews 13:14 

"I will NEVER leave you."

Hebrews 13:5

I watch my wayward heart and my roller coaster emotions and wonder, "Am I really cut out for this missional, overseas life?  Surely, God should have asked someone else to go to Rwanda so that His people there could have a surgeon and perhaps get an added plus of some learning some English from an old English teacher.  I just really don't have what it takes.  Yet, as I write this, I remember the words from one of the songs sweet Annie sent me this morning.......

"....Then you gently re-remind me

That You've made me from the first

And the more I try to be the best

The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me is only there because of who

You are.  

And all I ever have to be is what
You've made me
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
As you daily recreate me help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do what I can find.

All I ever have to be is what You've made me."

(Sung way back in the 80s by Amy Grant, and written by Gary Chapman.)

All I Ever Have To Be 

I guess I'll put my trust in Him again, if He will strengthen me to do that.  I'll remember that this world is not my home.  That He will never leave me.  And that any good in me is only there because of who HE is, and what HE has put in me.  If He wants us to keep living in Rwanda, then HE can make it happen and can equip me to do His will.  

Because, He will NEVER leave me.  Thanks, Ann, for the reminder.  I love you. 

Amy Grant sings the song, "We Believe in God" - so helpful for my soul.